


Still You

by LittleMissIcePrincess



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cisgirl Oikawa, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friendship, Gen, Genderbending, Insecurity, Pre-Relationship, Protectiveness, Rule 63, Self-Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, Trans Female Character, Trans Iwaizumi Hajime, Unrequited Love, get you a friend like oikawa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 03:42:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11865948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissIcePrincess/pseuds/LittleMissIcePrincess
Summary: Iwaizumi reflects on the best, yet scariest moments in her life: coming to the realization that she was a girl and subsequently coming out to the people in her life years later. Including one Oikawa Tooru.





	Still You

**Author's Note:**

> ***PLEASE READ***  
> I in no way have personal experience dealing with dysphoria, and I am cis female. If the way I have written a scene is heavily offensive, please do not hesitate to tell me. I'll be happy to discuss it with you and if need be, I will rewrite the scene. Also, this story is not beta read. I wrote this on a whim after I saw ( [ningyoplug's post](http://ningyoplug.tumblr.com/post/116130886400/trans-girl-iwa-chan-dont-need-no-breast-forms) ) on Tumblr. The art is so beautiful and I couldn't stop thinking about it! Okay, now I'm done rambling haha. Hope you enjoy the story!!

Even after 5 years, the sounds of chatter and laughter sent goosebumps all over Iwaizumi’s body. A voice in the back of her mind told her that she didn’t belong here, not where girls changed clothes and took showers and walked around either half nude or completely bare. Most days Iwaizumi could ignore the voice. She could reason with herself.

Yes, she belongs here. She belongs in the same room as all the other girls because she _is_ a girl.

And yet some days, the days that she couldn’t even look down the length of her body without wanting to throw up, the voice in her head was all that she could hear. Showers were the worst, when she had nothing to cover herself with and couldn’t stop herself from inspecting her body. The uneasiness in her chest growing worse and worse with every twisted and ugly thought about how she was too muscular, too stocky, about how she didn’t have any curves to speak of.

Leaning against the cool shower wall, part of Iwaizumi wanted to call out to Oikawa. She was no doubt the best at talking Iwaizumi up, making her feel safe and valid after the worst of dysphoric episodes. Her voice, which Iwaizumi normally thought to be loud and grating, could just as easily be soothing when the moment called for it. It calmed Iwaizumi’s anxiety, and with the help of Oikawa’s warm hugs, Iwaizumi could catch her breath. She probably relied too heavily on her best friend sometimes, now that she thought about it.

Despite the horrid feeling in the pit of her stomach and the pounding in her head, Iwaizumi smiled softly. Oikawa, while definitely a little shit, was undoubtedly a saving grace for Iwaizumi in the past. And even presently, actually. No matter how much she annoyed her at times (most of the time).

Closing her eyes against the soft spray of water, Iwaizumi could easily picture the first day that they met.

Oikawa had been sobbing for a reason Iwaizumi can’t quite remember, but the wet face and snotty nose were two things that were hard to forget. Oikawa really was an ugly crier. Especially when she was a little kid and had no qualms about looking unsightly.

Iwaizumi’s mother and Ms. Oikawa were recently reunited friends from high school. They had been accepted to different universities and ended up losing contact. Iwaizumi remembered clearly the look on his mother’s face when she recognized Ms. Oikawa in the supermarket that day. It was an expression of genuine relief and happiness. Iwaizumi would have kept staring at the beautiful look on his mother’s face if not for when they approached this unknown woman… and her crying child.

The little girl instantly caught Iwaizumi’s attention. How could she not have? The other girl was throwing a complete tantrum. Luckily at the sound of her mother’s surprised voice, she quieted down, but her face was a splotchy mess and she kept hiccuping.

Iwaizumi watched as the little girl curiously looked between her mother and Iwaizumi’s mother. And then suddenly intense light brown eyes caught her gaze, almost causing Iwaizumi to jump. Those eyes, even while still wet, spoke volumes, so expressive and curious and _knowing_. Iwaizumi was enraptured as their mothers embraced and talked excitedly.

They looked each other up and down, getting acquainted with each other’s appearance. Iwaizumi remembered being jealous. The other girl had cute twin braids falling over her shoulders, each with a white bow at the end, and wore a baby pink dress with white sandals.

While there was no doubt that Iwaizumi truly felt comfortable in her t-shirt, shorts, and tennis shoes, she was envious that the other girl could wear those kinds of clothes freely. When Iwaizumi had tried to put on her sister’s clothes, her mother and father had laughed at her. She hadn’t understood why until a few days later while she had been playing with her friends.

Iwaizumi and her four friends had been playing on the playground under the watchful eye of one of his friend’s mom one afternoon. They had been having a blast chasing each other and playing on the swing set until they tired themselves out. They eventually all sat down in a circle in the grass, trying to catch their breath and cool down. They mostly joked with each other until the oldest out of the group suddenly changed the subject.

“Y’all know that group of girls that come around here?”

They all nodded and one boy had jokingly gagged, making everyone but Iwaizumi laugh heartily. She didn’t understand why boys thought girls were gross. And since it was apparent that they did, why was she any different?

“Well, Yuki told me that they have like, a group name. It’s somethin’ girly, I don’t remember. But I was thinkin’ that we should have a group name too! Like, ‘The Beetle Boys’ or ‘The Mountain Men’!” he had said excitedly.

One of the other boys snickered. “There aren’t even mountains around here, stupid.”

Iwaizumi had cleared her throat and stated, “And you guys are forgetting something here.” They looked at her curiously and she laughed. “Well, duh, I’m not a boy, you idiots. So you can’t use ‘Boys’ and ‘Men’. It won’t make sense!”

They had looked at her strangely then, and an unknown feeling of weariness seeped into her bones.

“What are you talking about Hajime? Of course you’re a boy!” Iwaizumi’s eyebrows scrunched together, confused before shaking her head.

“Uh, no? I’m a girl.”

There was a few moments of silence before the four boys burst into laughter, a few rolling on the ground as if it was the funniest thing Iwaizumi had ever said. In frustration and humiliation, Iwaizumi’s eyes began to water.

When the boys realized that she wasn’t laughing, they quieted down. “Oh come on, Hajime, you’ve got to be joking, right? You’re a boy, silly!”

“Ooh,” another laughed, “Or is Hajime one of those freaks that wants to change from a boy to a girl? Are you a perv, Hajime?”

Iwaizumi flushed. “Of course not! Why don’t you believe me? I’m a girl!” The boys looked at each other with varying expressions ranging from confused to the same look they had when they would catch an interesting bug to inspect.

“Haji-me’s a fre-eak, Haji-me’s a fre-eak,” one of them started to chant and eventually all of them joined in, only laughter getting them to momentarily stop.

“Stop it!” Iwaizumi had screamed, but to no effect. They boys only increased in volume, vicious smiles adorning their lips. Fighting the tears threatening to overflow, Iwaizumi ran to the boy’s mom who was supposed to be supervising. She had a magazine in her hands and seemed to be more focused on that.

Iwaizumi tugged on her skirt, sniffling. She looked down in surprise, and then worry when she saw the tears in the little girl’s eyes.

“Can you call my mommy? I don’t feel good,” Iwaizumi had lied. She had been too embarrassed to explain to the mother the real reason why she wanted to leave. Not 10 minutes later, Iwaizumi was in the backseat of her mother’s car, on their way to the house. Her mother was fussing over her for the rest of the day, making sure she didn’t catch a fever. Iwaizumi just stayed wrapped up in her bed, trying to not to cry and vowing that she would never tell anyone that she was a girl ever again.

“Hajime?” her mother’s voice brought the 5 year old out of her reverie, and once again she was standing in the supermarket, staring at a red-faced little girl. Iwaizumi looked up at the sound of her name, and her mother smiled. “This is my friend from high school, Oikawa Reina. And that’s her daughter, Oikawa Tooru.” Iwaizumi looked up at the smiling woman, Miss Oikawa, and shyly waved. “Why don’t you say hi?” her mother asked, pushing her towards this so called “Tooru”.

She stumbled forward slightly and once again met the gaze of those chocolatey eyes. Iwaizumi didn’t like chocolate.

“Um, hi. My name is Hajime. It’s nice to meet you.”

The girl’s nose scrunched up a bit, and the first thing out of her mouth was, “Your hair is really spiky looking. Like a cactus.”

Long story short, they would grow to be long time friends and even attended elementary together. And the dreaded “Iwa-chan” would make its first appearance in Iwaizumi’s life.

It became a little easier for Iwaizumi to ignore how wrong she felt in her own body. Most of her time was spent making sure that her new friend didn't do anything drastically stupid.

And then she found even more solace in volleyball.

It was something she was genuinely _good_ at. And yeah, maybe she enjoyed the fact that for a while, Oikawa was absolutely horrid at the sport. It was entertaining to watch her miss the ball or have it drop down onto her face. Iwaizumi often questioned why Oikawa kept trying so hard.

“I wanna do what Iwa-chan is doing!” was always the frustrated answer coming from a blushing Oikawa. Iwaizumi just didn't get it.

As Oikawa continued to get better and better though, Iwaizumi watched the fire ignite in her eyes and the manic grin whenever she successfully served the ball.

Even if it truly came out of wanting to be around Iwaizumi, Oikawa grew to absolutely adore volleyball. Maybe even became obsessed with it, as evidenced by the fact that as the first year of middle school came around, Oikawa had watched hundreds of volleyball matches multiple times and researched which schools had the best volleyball clubs.

It was no surprise to anyone that knew them that Oikawa and Iwaizumi chose to attend the same middle school.

It became a lot harder for Iwaizumi their first year at Kitagawa Daiichi. Besides the fact that she and Oikawa couldn't be on the same volleyball team, for obvious reasons, everyone was going through puberty. And for Iwaizumi, that meant all the wrong kind of changes.

Her voice grew deeper and she gained muscle twice as easily as the other girls. Luckily, she was blessed enough to not be very hairy. And even knowing that body hair wasn't limited to a gender, she yearned to be able to shave her legs and underarms just as the girls in her class did.

She just… really hated her body.

It didn't exactly help that the snotty-nosed friend that she grew up with was growing up beautifully.

Oikawa was tall and slender, and unlike Iwaizumi, she was very _soft._ No harsh edges or lines, but smooth, lean muscle to compliment a sharp, white smile.

Oikawa was definitely “that girl”. The one that guys wanted to date and girls were envious of. And Oikawa knew it which made Iwaizumi wanted to smack her. And maybe sometimes she did.

Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa cared about her, she really did. It was unspoken in the gentle hugs and warm smiles, unlike the fake smiles that Oikawa plastered on for other people. She was softer when it was just the two of them. But as with most narcissistic people, Oikawa didn't really have a filter and loved to joke about other people's appearances. Including Iwaizumi’s.

She would comment on Iwaizumi’s “scary face” or bushy eyebrows or spiky hair. All the while unaware of Iwaizumi’s shrinking self-esteem.

Iwaizumi knew that if she told Oikawa to stop, then her friend would. But in Iwaizumi’s book, that would be admitting defeat and she wasn't ready to do that.

God, her best friend was a handful and more. She wanted to smack her upside the head.

At that very moment especially. Oikawa had invited (forced) Iwaizumi to spend the afternoon at her house so they could study together. There was perhaps 10 minutes of studying in silence before Oikawa declared that she was bored and instead flopped on her bed with her phone.

“This is why my grades are better than yours, Stupidkawa.”

Oikawa only hummed in response, not seeming to care in the slightest. Iwaizumi rolled her eyes and got back to work. The itchy feeling of someone staring at her almost caused her to look away from her work, but she ignored it. Oikawa was just weird and stared at people whenever the apparent need arose.

“Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi grunted to let her know she was listening. “Iwa-chaaaan.” She could have swore she popped a blood vessel.

“What?” she gritted out, forcefully glaring holes into her math homework.

“Iwa-chaaan, pay attention to meeee!”

Eyebrow raised in irritation, Iwaizumi swirled around in Oikawa’s desk chair to face the brunette in annoyance. She was pouting, the pink gloss she wore made even more unnatural looking with the way the shine caught the bedroom light.

“Come sit next me, Iwa-chan! Let’s gossip!”

Iwaizumi honestly thought about refusing, but she knew deep down that Oikawa could be relentless and stubborn when she wanted to. She would get her way eventually, somehow. With a sigh, Iwaizumi stood up and walked over to the bed, falling into the space next to Oikawa.

Oikawa was already grinning like maniac, knowing that she won their little imaginary battle. In no time, she was talking about the girls in her club, the two guys that had asked her out that week, the teacher that was caught with a bottle of alcohol, and more useless drivel that Iwaizumi honestly didn’t care about. She still listened though, because she supposed she was a good friend like that. And she knew that if Oikawa knew she wasn’t listening, then her friend would pout for hours.

“Iwa-chan,” the mention of her name caught her attention, “seen any girls you might be interested in?” Oikawa’s voice was hard as she asked the question, but Iwaizumi just chalked it up to the fact that it was because her friend was really wanting to hear something juicy. “I know that you're not blessed with good looks like I am, but you do have some great muscles!”

And while that wasn’t as mean as some of the things Oikawa had said before, that day Iwaizumi couldn’t stop the grimace from forming on her face. Because, yes, Oikawa, she knew that she was ugly, she got it. And she knew she was muscular and bulky in places she didn’t want to be. God damnit, Iwaizumi should have gone home that day. She knew that today was one of her bad days. The ones where she wanted to throw up anytime she caught a glance of herself. God, she was so stupid.

Iwaizumi reigned in her expression as fast as she could, but Oikawa was an observant little shit. Of course she had noticed the fleeting pained look in her best friend’s eyes and the hard-pressed line of her lips.

Oikawa tilted her head to the side. “Iwa-chan? What’s wrong? Is there actually someone you like?” Her voice was weird as she asked, but Iwaizumi was too busy trying to control the tremors in her hands and shoulders to notice. She did manage to shake her head in answer however. Maybe then Oikawa would shut up for a second. But of course, nothing in Iwaizumi’s life could be easy, could it?

“Iwa-chan, are you okay? Do you feel sick?”

Yeah, she did feel sick. But not the kind of feeling you get from a cold or a flu. The kind of sick you feel when you don’t feel right in your body or the tight feeling in your chest when you have to fight the urge to cry.

Iwaizumi couldn’t speak. Not around the lump now present in her throat. She had to get a hold of herself. She would _not_ cry right now. She wouldn’t. She would allow herself to later when she was in the solitude of her own room and no one would have to worry about her.

A warm hand on her shoulder jerked her out of her thoughts and she realized with dread that she had been too quiet for too long. Oikawa had to know for sure that something was off.

“Iwa-chan… what’s wrong?”

And maybe it was the genuine care in her voice that made Iwaizumi look up at her friend. And then maybe it was the sincere worry in those chocolate brown eyes that caused the tears Iwaizumi hadn’t yet noticed to spill over.

It started silently, with noiseless tears tracking down her cheeks in clear rivers and the scrunching of her face. She could just barely make out Oikawa’s shocked expression through blurry vision. At the stunned quiet in the room, Iwaizumi just continued to build in volume, unable to control her cries.

She couldn’t believe this was happening. She’s _never_ cried in front of Oikawa. How was she going to get out of this one? She could practically feel Oikawa wanting to question her, get down to the bottom of whatever this was.

And then she just couldn't contain the words that spilled from her mouth. Words that were buried deep within her, ones that she never planned to say aloud.

“I don't… _feel_ right!” Iwaizumi had sobbed, pressing against her eyes with the palms of her hands harshly. She has to stop, why is she saying this? Oikawa won’t get it, she won’t. She’ll think that Iwaizumi is a freak and she’ll leave.

“Iwa-chan? What do you mean by that?” Oikawa sounds closer now, her voice wobbly like she might start crying too.

“Something's _wrong_ with me and I can't _help_ it and I just-” Iwaizumi bites her bottom lip to stifle her cries. The faint taste of blood causes her to release her lip, but the damage is already done and it's not as if Iwaizumi can fix this by stopping her tears. She can tell Oikawa is already wanting to get to the bottom of this, mind working quickly, scanning their conversation from before, trying to figure out what caused her friend to start crying like this.

“Is it… is it the fact that you don't like girls? That's completely okay, and you know I would accept you!” Oikawa’s words were rushed and loud in Iwaizumi’s ears and she was suddenly so glad that Oikawa’s mom was at work at the moment.

“No! It's more than that!” Vaguely aware that she was hyperventilating, Iwaizumi lent into the warm touch still pressing on her shoulder, using it as an anchor. Taking the hint, Oikawa wrapped her arms around Iwaizumi, engulfing her in a tight hug.

She couldn’t lose this, couldn’t lose Oikawa. Despite what a terrible person she was, Oikawa was her best friend and she couldn’t bare the thought of continuing life without her.

“Shh, it's okay,” Oikawa whispered softly, so softly that Iwaizumi just barely heard her through her jumbled and frantic thoughts, “It's okay, let's just focus on calming down right now, yeah?”

Pressed into her friend's neck, it felt like hours before Iwaizumi got her breathing under control. Tears still welled up in her eyes, but she fought against them valiantly. No, she had cried enough. Oikawa is probably beside herself with worry right now. God, Iwaizumi had to get a hold of herself. The arms still embracing her and the chin resting atop her head helped a lot. The soft smell of Oikawa’s perfume was relaxing.

Fingers gently ran through her short hair, and Oikawa sighed in what sounded like relief. “Do you think you can talk to me? Tell me what's wrong?”

Iwaizumi didn't really want to talk. She mainly wanted to sleep, feeling incredibly exhausted. Sliding her eyes closed, Iwaizumi contemplated silently.

This was a secret that she's held onto for over 8 years. The secret that nobody in the whole world knows. The one that caused the majority of her self-hatred and insecurities.

And it could cost her the friendship between herself and the one holding her so kindly and gently.

“Iwa-chan?”

And yet this _was_ her best friend. Her beautiful, intelligent best friend that, underneath all of her self-absorbed and shitty jokes, was one of the most caring individuals Iwaizumi had ever had the pleasure to meet.

“I don't know if you'll understand.” Her voice is rough, and her throat hurts. It's easy to ignore with how hard her heart is pounding.

“Just give me a chance? And if I don't, then we can talk about it,” was the immediate response.

Iwaizumi clenched her fist around the edge of Oikawa’s sweater.

“I'm not a boy.”

As the last syllable fell from her lips, Iwaizumi felt a mixture of nausea and relief. It felt as if this whole time, she had been carrying the world on her shoulders. And now, it's finally been lifted off, the weight non-existent. Her heart, however, was an entirely different story. She could hear its beating in her ears, so noisy and distracting. So distracting that she hadn't even realized that Oikawa had been speaking.

“-still you, right? So my love for you isn't going to change.”

Hot tears fell onto Oikawa’s neck, and a smile graced Iwaizumi’s lips.

She didn't bother asking Oikawa to repeat herself. The words that she had heard were more than enough.

\---

And honestly, Iwaizumi shouldn't have expected her friend to do anything else but go all out on finding information on the subject. Why? Because fucking Oikawa.

They didn't speak a word of the incident the next day at school, much to Iwaizumi’s relief. In fact, almost nothing changed after Iwaizumi walked back to her own house the past night. Iwaizumi would have been worried if she was friends with anyone other than Oikawa Tooru.

The one and only difference that day was the lack of jokes on Iwaizumi’s appearance. In the place of those, Oikawa just acted twice as narcissistic.

Frankly, Iwaizumi was touched. And also weirded out because those horrible jokes were what made her best friend, as mean as they were.

As they were eating lunch together, ignoring all of the usual whispers of people questioning whether or not they were a couple, Oikawa nonchalantly asked if Iwaizumi wanted to hang out at her house after practice.

Ignoring the excited tittering from the surrounding gossipers, Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. “Sure. It's Friday anyways.” Oikawa smiled happily and that was the end of it. Sort of.

Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa had  _ something  _ planned.

But even bracing herself for any sort of surprise didn't stop her shocked expression from forming when she saw 3 small binders stacked on Oikawa’s desk entirely filled with information on transgender females. She had already known that she was transgender, had seen stories on social media. And it helped to be able to put a name to her situation and find out that there were other people like her. But she was always too scared to look up more information on the subject. She feared it would give her false hope.

Oikawa was awkwardly standing beside her as she flipped through hundreds of pages, skimming through a few paragraphs.

“I just… felt so unhelpful when you left last night.” Iwaizumi watched as Oikawa twiddled with her fingers and looked at the ground nervously. “So I figured I would do some research and print out anything that might be useful.”

The urge to hug her friend was strong, but Iwaizumi didn't want to part with the binder in her hands. This was unreal.

“Thanks,” she choked out, and wow, could she be more lame? It was apparently enough for Oikawa whose face instantly broke into a huge grin.

“I also figured that since Mom isn't home, then we could do some stuff! I don't know if you'd be interested, but I'd be more than happy to let you try on some of my clothes, or try some makeup or just whatever.”

“No offense,” Iwaizumi chuckled, “but your clothes aren't really my style. And I'm not interested in makeup.”

Oikawa’s cheeks reddened, before she huffed jokingly, a smile at her lips. “Ugh, how could I assume otherwise? Of course my Iwa-chan would be a tomboy.” Oikawa paused abruptly, smile slipping off. “I don't know if- is that offensive?” she asked tentatively.

Iwaizumi pursed her lips in thought. “I don't think so? I mean, I personally wasn't offended by it.” Oikawa sighed and laughed softly.

“I guess we both have a lot to learn.” Iwaizumi nodded, hugging the binder to her chest.

“Oikawa. I know I'm not good with words but… Seriously, thank you so much, I-”

Her friend held up a pale hand. “Stop. You don't need to thank me. Treating you like a person isn't something I should be thanked for.”

Iwaizumi turned her head to the side in an attempt to hide her glassy eyes. Oikawa still probably knew what was happening but it was the principle of it. Just as she got herself under control again, she saw Oikawa sit on her bed out of the corner of her eye.

She smiled at Iwaizumi and patted a spot on the bed beside her. Iwaizumi finally set down the binder, touch lingering, and took the invitation to sit down. She could always read and re-read through all 3 binders later.

“You don't have to answer if you're not ready,” Oikawa started slowly, “but I gotta ask. When will you-  _ are _ you going to tell your parents?”

Iwaizumi flopped down on her back, bouncing slightly on the mattress. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she stared at the glow in the dark stars adorning the ceiling above her.

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t really an answer, but then again Iwaizumi didn’t have an answer at that moment. She knew she wanted to tell her family at some point, now having the guarantee that at least Oikawa would stick by her side. But… “Do you think they would understand?”

Oikawa laid down next to her. “Hmmm, I’m like 99% sure that they would be supportive.”

“What about that 1%?”

“Nothing in life is certain, Iwa-chan.”

“... You’re such a nerd, oh my god.”

They laid in silence for a few minutes before Oikawa made a small sound, as if she remembered something.

“I completely forgot to ask you! Do you still want to go by Hajime? Or do you have another name in mind?” Iwaizumi frowned. She had honestly never thought about it. Hajime, while a unisex name, was mostly given to boys. But then again, Tooru was also mainly a “boy name”.

“I think I’ll keep it. Easier, that way,” she finally decided. Oikawa nodded.

“Beginning,” Oikawa hummed, “I think Hajime fits you perfectly.”

“God, you’re such a loser.” Who knew what their friend’s name meant off the top of their head?

\---

Iwaizumi wasn’t someone who personally believed in things like fate and destiny, but it did seem like during that particular week in her life, things were just  _ meant _ to change

The weekend following the day that Iwaizumi came out to Oikawa, she found herself telling her family.

It was… emotional. More so than Iwaizumi would have preferred, but she was mainly ecstatic that her family didn't disown her. Iwaizumi admittedly cried whilst explaining her situation. Her mother and sister cried with her and huddled her between them as her father stood to the side, eyes red-rimmed but had a smile on his face.

Iwaizumi couldn't count on both hands how many times each of them shared “I love you’s” and all the apologies from his family that she had felt the need to keep something like this from them.

By the end of the night, Iwaizumi was exhausted. And thankful that the coming week would be the last week of school.

Before falling asleep, she did have the mind to text Oikawa to share the good news. And in the morning, she would have 21 texts from her friend, all sharing the same census: “I'm so happy for you.”

It was a little bit of a rough start. They had to take a trip to a psychological professional so she could properly be “diagnosed” and be allowed to change the gender on any legal and medical information. Her family would occasionally slip and refer to her as “he and him” before quickly correcting themselves. They talked about whether or not she wanted to come out to the public and go to school the next year as who she truly was. They talked about hormone therapy and transitioning and everything embarrassing under the sun.

But it was also really nice. Her sister made jokes about how “she's always wanted a little sister, and who knew, I had one all along!” Her sister also took her and Oikawa shopping for new clothes, although Iwaizumi just stuck to her normal clothes with the only added difference being that they shopped in the women's section. She even got to get several pairs of breast forms, one of the things she was most excited about.

Iwaizumi also tried to grow her hair out. She ended up abhorring it. It scratched at her neck distractedly and caused her to sweat a lot. She decided to stick with what Oikawa called “the cactus cut”. She did however start shaving, which was new. She found that, while sometimes a chore, she loved it. Loved the smoothness of her skin and not having to worry about gross pit hair.

Iwaizumi eventually came to the conclusion that she would come out fully with full support from her family, Oikawa and even Oikawa’s mom and start hormone therapy, but would hold off on transitioning. While she didn't like her body, she didn't want to make such hasty decisions. Plus, as an athlete, she couldn't afford to be out of commission for months, recovering from surgery.

All in all, the summer was more than anything Iwaizumi could have ever hoped for. And it was almost enough to make her forget about what a disaster of a school year her second year would be.

And it was. In the beginning at least.

Faculty and students alike would stare and point and whisper. For the first month of school, Iwaizumi would have to take several bathroom breaks a day to escape from it all.

The volleyball girls were surprisingly supportive. Iwaizumi had a feeling that Oikawa had talked to them beforehand. And while that made Iwaizumi feel quite embarrassed, she was thankful to her friend and loved the newfound friendships she forged with the other girls.

Eventually, with nasty glares and comments from Oikawa and the rest of the team telling people to back off, people stopped looking at her in disgust, stopped giggling while pointing at her. It also probably helped that she soon became the ace of the girl's volleyball team.

Second year flew by in the blink of an eye and it was both the hardest and easiest years of Iwaizumi’s life. Yeah, people were shitheads, but she didn't have to hide who she was anymore. It was a breath of fresh air.

Come third year, Iwaizumi grew more and more comfortable in her skin and abilities as a volleyball player. She still had bad days, but either her family or Oikawa was always there to lean on.

But while she grew more confident, Oikawa seemed to grow more insecure.

A genius setter had come to Kitagawa Daiichi. Iwaizumi liked her. She was polite, respectful of the upperclassmen and worked hard. She supposed Oikawa felt threatened.

Iwaizumi knew that her best friend had a shitty personality and was stupidly competitive. But their third year of middle school was the first time she'd come close to legitimately hating Oikawa Tooru.

Oikawa was first stupid enough to overwork herself to the point of collapsing and fucking up her knee. And then she had the gall to pick on Kageyama just because she was jealous. And the last straw was when Iwaizumi had to physically intervene before Oikawa struck the younger setter.

Iwaizumi had never been so angry in her entire life. It hurt to think that Oikawa felt like she had to carry the team when it obviously isn't supposed to work like that.

But what hurt the most was the fact that Oikawa was so defeated. She confided in Iwaizumi that no matter how hard she worked, she knew that natural talent would trump over it and win. Oikawa, sitting on the gym floor, a knee brace holding her injured appendage together, was so obviously feeling defeated. And Iwaizumi had never felt so helpless in her life.

However she continued to pick Oikawa up every time she fell down. At times, their relationship was strained, but Iwaizumi would be damned before her and Oikawa split apart so viciously and abruptly.

Iwaizumi was hopeful for high school. It would be a fresh start for her and Oikawa wouldn’t have to worry about Kageyama for 2 years. And Aoba Josai was an extremely nice school. It had a huge gymnasium and beautiful campus grounds.

Meeting the other members of the volleyball team went smoothly. Iwaizumi conversed with fellow first years and even talked to the third year ace about her time at Kitagawa Daiichi.

Everything was going well. At least until the rumors started spreading about Iwaizumi. The club members had taken notice that she never showered around them. They eyed her extremely toned arms and legs suspiciously.

It was like the second year of middle school all over again.

All Iwaizumi could do is keep her head down and continue to work hard during volleyball practice. She could tell that Oikawa was itching to corner the people who dared talk bad about her best friend, but kept her mouth shut. Oikawa may be self-righteous, but she isn’t stupid. She knows that if she pisses off the upperclassmen, it could ruin her chances of becoming a regular player on the court.

So Iwaizumi honestly just planned to deal with the not so quiet gossip about her and go about her life. What she didn’t expect was to stumble upon Oikawa facing what Iwaizumi knew to be the group of first years who started the rumors.

Iwaizumi had stayed home that day because her anxiety had skyrocketed through the roof, but decided to at least show up to afternoon practice.

She had stood frozen in the doorway, making sure to stay out of sight as she listened to the strong, no-nonsense tone of Oikawa. 

“Listen,” the lilt of the word was sickeningly sweet, dripping in venom, “I could possibly understand you all talking shit  _ if _ you were good players. You know, it’s kind of like a balance. As long as you’re a good player, who cares if you’re not nice? But the way I see it, none of you are good players  _ or _ nice. That makes you useless on a team that needs both good moral support and strong players.” Iwaizumi watched as the three other girls squirmed, hands fisting and mouths gaping as if they wanted to say something. She could clearly picture the razor sharpness of Oikawa’s glare pinning them down mercilessly.

“Just know,” Oikawa continued, “If I ever hear you spread shit about Iwaizumi again, I  _ will _ ruin your reputation. And I think you guys know that I  _ can _ do that.”

Iwaizumi didn’t know if she actually could, but she wouldn’t be surprised considering how popular Oikawa is. The group of girls silently retreated to the other end of the gym to warm up with some others and that’s when Iwaizumi made her entrance.

“Oikawa.” Her friend whipped around, causing her ponytail to fall over her shoulder and a surprised expression found it’s way to her face.

“Iwa-chan? Why are you here? You should be home resting!” Oikawa was suddenly in her face, a worried crease setting in her brows. Iwaizumi rolled her eyes.

“I’m fine, don’t worry. You’re not being an even bigger shit while I’m gone, are you?” The brunette pouted and opened her mouth to argue but was cut off by an amused voice.

“Oh, she was definitely being a special kind of shit.” Iwaizumi looked in the direction of the voice, eyes landing on a first year. If she remembered correctly, the girl’s name was Hanamaki.

“A superb shit,” said the girl that came up behind Hanamaki. Matsukawa, Iwaizumi’s memory supplied.

Oikawa squawked in her ear and she winced before pushing the brunette harshly. Before Oikawa could start a war in the middle of the gymnasium, she nodded to the two girls.

“Yeah, well, she’s a shit that I’m responsible for.” The other two laughed while Oikawa just made a disgruntled noise.

“Why is everyone so mean to me? What did I do?” Iwaizumi could hear the amusement in her voice though, and as the coach yelled at them to start warming up and stop slacking, Iwaizumi was happy to see that Hanamaki and Matsukawa stayed nearby, the four of them forming a little group of their own.

They would grow to be fast friends, and it was made even better by the fact that they worked well as a team. Oikawa actually got herself the title of vice-captain their second year. After asking the captain for permission, she was quick to deliver a speech to the newcomers.

“Seijoh is proud to say that we have many, many club members. And with such a large number of people, there is bound to be differences among us. First and foremost, we are a team. We work together, win together, lose together. We’re a family away from home. So if I hear from someone that anyone present has said something ugly about another member, I will deal with it  _ personally _ . Are we understood?” The underclassmen only nodded shakily. Oikawa smiled brightly. “Great! Now let’s get to work!”

She would deliver the same speech their last year of high school as captain, a title that Iwaizumi knew she deserved better than anybody. Not only was she talented, Oikawa could also command attention and lead others effortlessly. Iwaizumi was proud of her. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were too, but none of them voiced it to their captain. Her ego was too big as it was.

Even after all of the pain and fear, Iwaizumi was grateful for the past years. They made her stronger and she was faced with the reality that the people in her life genuinely cared about her. Iwaizumi was happy, at least most of the time.

And now, here she was. Under the spray of water that has long since turned cold without her noticing. In the girls’ locker room, surrounded by teammates that supported her and looked up to her. 

“Iwa-chaaaan, are you okay in there? Everyone else has already left!”

And of course, Oikawa Tooru was always right around the corner.

Iwaizumi sighed and turned off the water, reaching for her towel and clothes that sat just outside of the stall.

“You can go on ahead of me today,” she called out as she slipped on a t-shirt and sweatpants. The vestiges of her dysphoric episode stuck around still, a tremble present in her fingers. She always hated looking like this in front of people.

“Mmmm,” Oikawa sarcastically contemplated, “Nope, I think I’ll stay and wait so I can walk home with my prickly ace.”

Iwaizumi rolled her eyes and placed the towel over her shoulders, pushing back the shower curtain and turning the corner to be met with a worried smile. Iwaizumi both loved and hated that smile.

“Is today a bad day?” Oikawa asked softly. It was the same question that Oikawa had begun to ask years and years ago. Damn her friend for being so perceptive.

Iwaizumi simply nodded and went to sit on one of the locker room benches. As her friend had said, everyone already left for the day. Iwaizumi wouldn’t be surprised if Oikawa had shooed them all away to give her some privacy. A small smile found its way to her lips.

Oikawa approached her gracefully, stopping just in front of where she sat down. Long fingers gripped the towel around her shoulders and suddenly Oikawa was gently rubbing the water out of Iwaizumi’s short hair. It was something that Oikawa did when Iwaizumi had a bad day. She would be so caringly affectionate. She would massage Iwaizumi or brush her hair or sometimes just lean against her. Sometimes it was enough to calm Iwaizumi down, and sometimes it wasn’t.

But it showed that Iwaizumi wasn’t alone. It was nice.

Iwaizumi let her eyes fall shut, Oikawa’s hands just about lulling her to sleep. Suddenly they pulled away and Iwaizumi almost whined before she looked up at the setter.

Oikawa was undeniably beautiful. Her eyes those same chocolate brown, and her long wavy hair almost the same shade. She was really tall, taller than most of the guys at school and had a shapely, yet still small figure made even better by all of the lean muscle. She would often complain about her small boobs and big hips, but Iwaizumi thought her friend was stunning.

Beautiful, even when she was sad.

As Iwaizumi met her gaze, she immediately noticed the lopsided, pink smile. Real in its entirety, but not happy. The biggest clue was Oikawa’s eyes. They were just as expressive and curious and knowing as the day that they met.

And that’s how Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa was sad right now.

She parted her lips, just about to ask why when Oikawa beat her to it.

“Iwa-chan.” Oikawa’s voice was barely above a whisper, “Iwa-chan, I’m not a good person.”

Iwaizumi’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion and apprehension, but she remained quiet, letting Oikawa choose her own pace.

“All those times when I would try to take initiative and have your back, and beat away all the assholes? I really did believe that it made me better than them.” Oikawa’s eyes turned to the floor, glassy. “And you deserve so much better than that. How much of a shitty person can I be to view myself as superior just for fighting a fight that’s not mine?” Her voice was wobbly and Iwaizumi wanted to reach out to her, to hold her. To take away the sadness in her tone.

She wanted to argue. Oikawa  _ was _ better than those that bullied others. Iwaizumi would forever be grateful for the fact that Oikawa stuck up for her even if it meant she could possibly be ostracized. To Iwaizumi, Oikawa was strong and self-aware and damn it all, why was she so insecure?

But none of those words met the light of day. Instead, Iwaizumi said what she knew Oikawa  _ needed _ to hear.

“Shittykawa, I already know that you have a disgusting personality, you don’t need to tell me all of this.” Oikawa sniffled and Iwaizumi huffed a laugh. “Don’t be so serious. We’ve been friends forever, it would be a waste of 13 years if I stopped being friends with your sorry ass.”

Oikawa choked out a laugh and Iwaizumi smiled.

“Yeah,” Oikawa said, finally looking up, tears still evident in her eyes. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She took a second to wipe at her eyes before playfully sticking out her tongue. “For once in your life.”

And just like that the locker was filled with shrieks and giggles as Iwaizumi chased after Oikawa and grabbed her, tickling her mercilessly for the insult. Iwaizumi didn’t think she could be happier.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Feel free to message me on Tumblr at [flower-crown-hanji](flower-crown-hanji.tumblr.com)


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